When I was a kid, I hated the way I looked. I always thought I was fat. I detested my freckles.
When I was twelve, I was mortified that I was as flat-chested as any boy. When I was 14, I would sometimes try to avoid as many meals as possible without getting caught, and was mad at myself for not having willpower to starve. When I was 15, I moved to Utah and hid myself behind a book or a smirk to avoid being compared and contrasted with the sea of cute Utah blondes. Set myself up as the witty/ sarcastic Jeanine Garofolo-esque character. I’d always LOVED fashion, but thought I’d look ridiculous wearing anything more ostentatious that jeans and a hoodie.
I was never beautiful, but when I look back at photos, I wasn’t ugly. Or fat. My freckles were sort of awesome. And yet, I was lucky to have not realized it and reached beyond appearance.
It wasn’t until I hit college when I realized something. I’m smart. And I have talents. And looks mattered a little less, and were less significant to my confidence and feeling of worth. I started to realize I am interesting. Then I hit the workforce. And, I kind of kick ass. When I like something, I can be pretty damn good at it. I had a realization. We women are our own worst enemy.
Once I stopped the mindset that my looks were directly related to my worth as a human being or my privilege to matter to society, the damndest thing happened. I kind of like how I look. Though my nose is kind of too round and my forehead is kind of too high and my skin is sort of too pink. I still pick myself apart daily. But I have learned to like the big picture and never thought I would.
Now that I’m an adult with real worries and responsibility and successes and failures I have learned to appreciate my own face- I can form it into the perfect expression for the situation, wrinkle my nose when I smile even, stare back at myself in the mirror and give myself pep-talks before I do something I am completely nervous for. It’s so familiar… yet sometimes I’ll notice things that aren’t at all. Sometimes I’ll surprise myself and think- have I always looked like that? Sometimes others will surprise me and compliment me on my looks. That never happened when I disliked my own appearance.
I wanted to post this because I have lots of gals in my life who are beautiful in so many ways. Some of them so self-critical they refuse to recognize their awesome traits. Some so critical of others because they suffer from their own insecurities. Some holding themselves back until they get to a certain dress size. All of whom I could list dozens of fabulous things about in seconds. If you know me, dare me. I’ve been there, and sometimes I’m still there.
And I wanted to post this because I need encouragement sometimes, too, to stop focusing/stressing about the superficial. To find things to like about myself as often as I do in others, and to remind myself of those things as often as I remind (or try to remind) others. I’m coming out of a bit of a rough patch, emotionally, and it seems there is something in the water because I know others close to me have been, too.
So I wanted to be cheesy (but completely sincere!) and say we are each fabulous, interesting, talented people! Write a list of all the things you love about yourself, are proud of, are good at. Title it “Reasons I’m a Bad Ass.”
7 thoughts on “wiser.”
best post ever.
Bad ass post! I’m definitely guilty of being too hard on myself, I thanks for this reminder 🙂
Sweet post! I am guilty as charged of being a little too hard on myself. Thanks for the reminder to look at the true talents of myself! You are awesome!
Well said Kellie. We all need this reminder from time to time.
Thanks ladies. I love you all very much! Hugs!
you do kick a! i love this post. thanks for sharing something so personal. we all need the reminder.